GeoDivorce

After leaving my daily 3 bourbon lunch I dropped by my secretary to see what correspondence I had received while out. Among the junk letters, and advertisements for divorce attorneys was a letter from my favorite company, ESRI.

"I bet its another cease and assist order" Lois, my raspy voiced secretry said.

"No, no, no, we beat that, this is a parody tumblr.  We just mock."

"Whatever.  I’ve got to take the E train back to Brooklyn before dark."

"Night Lois," I replied, walking into my office, opening the envelope. 

I’ll spare you the details, but in essence they were firing me as a business partner.

I poured myself another Canadian Club, neat, and pondered.

How would this affect my business, future contracts, current contracts?  Were we dead in the water?

In situations like this I like to commune with the Patron Saint of Drunken Geographer, Don Draper.

Pouring myself something big and brown, I spin up my copy of “Gamera Assault of the Legion” as these items bring you closer to your Draperness. 

About half way through the movie, where it appears Gamera has been killed by Legion, it finally comes to me.  The brain opens wide, and the words flow. 

I begin to compose an email to GeoPlace, paying for a full page ad with the following letter.

"Recently DrunkenGeographer Spatial’s long relationship with ESRI as a Gold Business Partner was suddenly ended, and I’m relieved.

For over 10 years we devoted ourselves to peddling a product for which good work is irrelevant, because people can’t stop themselves from using it. They dominate the market, and hook kids on the product at younger and younger ages. A product that never improves, that causes missed deadlines and makes people generally unhappy. But there was money in it. A lot of money; trips to San Diego and Palm Springs. In fact, our entire business depended on their product, and our relationship with them. We knew it wasn’t good for us, but we couldn’t  stop.

And then, when ESRI terminated our business partner status, I realized, here was my chance to be someone who could sleep at night, because I know the technologies wouldn’t cost my customers millions of dollars, stymie technological advancement and would provide equal if not better performance.  

So as of today, DrunkenGeographer  Spatial will no longer take or support ESRI centric projects. We know it’s going to be hard. If you’re interested working with ESRI products please randomly throw a rock at a crowd of Federal Contractors, or just go to the proud ESRI sycophant, GeoJobe”

Mostly Text

I’ll put something funny and animated at the end.  

If you’ve ever been to the ESRI site, I’m sure you got this email today

"Have you ever wanted to search for or create specific GIS discussions? Share files and videos? Write a GIS blog post or collaborate on a document? Welcome to GeoNet! Here you can do all that and more.

Put simply, GeoNet is the place where you can chat and collaborate on all things geo. It’s like the Esri User Conference experience, but you can access it all year long from anywhere in the world.

It’s free and easy to join — just use your Esri account. Then you are on your way to networking, collaborating, and getting product support.

GeoNet! Be part of the Esri community.”

I’m going to bust this up sentence by sentence, as my Drunken Uncle Sun Tzu use to say, “Divide that bitch up and take it down one part at a time.  Also, I might be your real dad, your mom is a slut.”

P1S1

"Have you ever wanted to search for or create specific GIS discussions?

Why yes, on multiple forums, not just at ESRI, but stackexchange, Expert Exchange or just interaction on twitter

Share files and videos?

Yeah, I do this on youtube, dropbox and a thousand other places.  When I’m feeling randy they go on THE REDTUBES.

Write a GIS blog post or collaborate on a document?

If I had a month I couldn’t tell you about all the blogging platforms out there.  As far a Collaboration on a document,  you know google docs is pretty awesome

Welcome to GeoNet! Here you can do all that and more.

Wow, all the things I can normally do on the web, but with a Geo ATTACHED.

COUNT

ME

IN

Put simply, GeoNet is the place where you can chat and collaborate on all things geo.

Unlike what the community does on twitter, and a thousand other forms of communications

It’s like the Esri User Conference experience, but you can access it all year long from anywhere in the world.

Unless you’re a fucking idiot, the ESRI UC is a waste of time.  Also, it should be noted that if you drink and hang out on GeoNET  its not covered br per diem.  Let my mistake be your warning.

Okay this last one I’m going to deal with as a paragraph, if I break it down into bite sized bytes the stupid will overcome me, and I’ll start liking Nickelback or some shit

It’s free and easy to join — just use your Esri account. Then you are on your way to networking, collaborating, and getting product support.

GeoNet! Be part of the Esri community.

Wow, none of this is new at all, we just wrapped it into a geo-giant, geo-burrito of code and we have moderators floating around to zap any of those pesky NAYSAYERS about how ESRI isn’t the cream of the crop in GIS Software.

Lets face it, GeoNET is what the right wing nutjobs think FEMA Camps are, a place where we all go, and they monitor and harvest our crap and make sure trouble makers, like Moi, are “Red Dawned”  I’ve aways wanted to make that a verb.

To mediate on this, I commuted with the Drunken Geographer’s one true Patron Saint, Don Draper.  Over the course of an evening of high end bourbon, St Draper said the following to me, through his partner Burt Cooper

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Most GIS Coordinators

at the beginning of the fiscal year to ESRI

In reality, all they are doing is this, every year.  But they do get a free trip to San Diego…

Its 2:55 (14:55) on a Wednesday

1.  100,000 Thousand Dollars in Database Servers for your Enterprise GIS (check)

2.  Multimillion Dollar Data Center with all the bells n whistles (check)

3. MultiMillion Dollar Enterprise License Agreement for Proprietary  RMDBS (check)

4.  ArcSDE DON’T GIVE A FUCK ITS GOING TO CRASH IT ANYWAY

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CAN YOU REALLY TRUST AGOL AND ESRI WITH YOUR DATA?

25 Unforgettable Faces from the ESRI UC

So ESRI has a buzzfeed account…time to play

Disclaimer, as I do respect my peers, if this is you in a picture and you want to be removed or your caption changed email proof to me a drunkengeographer@gmail.com

See the original here

http://www.buzzfeed.com/esri/25-unforgettable-faces-from-esri-uc-2014-gchv

1.  Sorry ladies, SDCC is next week, you Ishtar Cosplayers are early

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2. I can’t believe I’m this drunk after 4 beer RFID scans

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3. Where did I park my Fixie, I should totally make an app that finds it so ESRI will buy it, and start a “development center” in my hometown

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4. I am the eye of the doucheacane, ladies

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5. “I’m smiling because I just learned about QGIS from that drunk guy over there”

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6. Which way to Tijuana

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7. I’m a woman of color

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8. Me too

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9. My hair is a choropleth map

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10. I like my GIS tech like I like my memes, from 2007

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11. Yeah, it’s the windowless unmarked white van outside, Free Pappy

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12. YAWOC* Yet Another Woman of Color

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13. Throwing gang signs with full sleeves, I’m a rebel – and I use ESRI products, you should be a rebel too.

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14. YAWOC #4

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15. YAWOC #5

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16. Where the white women at?  Seriously, from this sample of photographs they are all YAWOCs. (Trying too hard much ESRI?)

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17. I wonder if I can get an earlier flight to Portland

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18. I wonder if I can jump an earlier freight train to Portland

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19. Light Blue Button down *check, Trying to Hard *check Beltway Bandit BD guy Reppin’ the N to the O to the V to the A

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20. I have nothing to say about this guy, he’s fucking awesome

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21. YOWOC #6

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22. YAWOC#7

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23.  I’m here for both the UC and Comic Con.  I even made a tshirt to blend so I wouldn’t have to pack 2x the clothes

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24.   Where geochick meets geodick

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25.  I just moved everything to Geoserver and PostGIS, I was able to save enough money to come to this conference and eat at The Strip Club.  But seriously, fuck this conference.

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I'm out on a vacation this week

I’ll be at Com.Geo and Com.Bigdata this week, but I’m avoiding that whole driveless car crap.  Fuck driverless cars.

Then its off to the Mountains for some completely undeserved boozing and galavanting..

 

Da Cloud

When Jack of the Redlands first heard of the cloud he really didn’t like it

But now ESRI is as snug as a bug in a rug….or a Hippo in a Cloud

Whatever, I’m too busy working on my sweet dance moves for FOSS4G’s “Dance with the GIS Stars”

OFIAM*

*Oh Fuck Its Almost Monday

As Geographers from time to time, well all the damn time, we have to interface with technical people who have no idea that Africa is as large as it is, and they all thing Greenland is some massive island.  Because they don’t understand projections.

Then, when you talk to these dillweeds about it, and they’re all “DUH…isn’t it all the same.”  

This picture is how I feel they look at me, and what they think I am saying.

Picture==2834 words, and an ulcer

TGIF Motherfuckers

If you’re still in the office GTFO, and go discuss geography where its suppose to be discussed.

IN A GODDAMN BAR OVER FUCKING BOURBON.  It can only be on the rocks if you’re a damn Geologist.

Remember 

Crowdsourcing Content

DG is nothing without you, the followers, the stalkers, the Lawdogs for ESRI (FYI you need to Fed Ex Cease and Assist letters, I never check my mail)  Anyway, we all know the LMFAO song “Party Rock Anthem”  if you don’t here is a link to it in the youtubes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmY8ElVNI_s

As geofolk we are all familiar with the process of buffering…so doing a quick google search I came up with this monstrosity 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKBTszoBa8o

Umm, yeah we can do better…

Why?  Because we are MOTHERFUCKING GEOGRAPHERS thats why?

What I am asking you to do….Send me vines, vidoes, gifs whatever of you buffering, maps with buffers, Script running.  Ugly, stupid, Artistic, functional, whatever you have cause I have to fill 

Cause EVERYDAY WE’RE BUFFERIN’

Pipe things to drunkengeographer@gmail.com

If we can get our shit together, I would like to have this live for FOSS4G…if now…we can figure it out.

Thank you - and hey, its not like I’m asking you to Kickstart anything.

All proceeds go to the “FOSS4G - ESRI Recovery Clinic established 2014”

A fake interview with Jackie D

*Note, all of Jackie D’s text has been lifted from his plenary speech*

DG: Good Morning Mr. Dangermond, I’m glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to talk to us here at Drunken Geographer


JD: Good morning, Good morning, everybody.


DG: How did you know there was a mouse in my pocket?
JD: My name is Jack Dangermond


DG: Yes, I’m sure our listeners know who you are.

JD: Pretty interesting, huh?

DG: Ummm sure lets move along….

JD: Do you like San Diego?

DG: Sure, I mean, the weather is great and the booze is fantastic

JD: Yes, it’s pretty good.

DG: And the strippers, and gay clubs are top notch.

JD: I think so.

DG: So over the past…

JD: Look, we have a lot of special people here in the audience, about 12,000 of you.

DG: Sir, its just you me, well and this mouse. Are you feeling okay?

JD: Pretty good.

DG: Okay then, lets get started, How would you describe your job at ESRI?

JD: My job is not only to welcome you but also give you a little bit of an introduction to the reason why we are here.

DG: Well, the reason I am here is your press people said it would be up for a candid interview

JD: We are going to learn together, and that means we’re going to learn from each other.

DG: I’m glad you say that Mr. Dangermond, as DG has no true animosity toward ESRI, its just you….ummm, make some really bonehead decisions so we call you out

JD: We’re going to teach each other, we’re going to pick up some ideas, make some new friends, have some fun.

DG: I hope we can be friends after this Mr. Dangermond and that we can learn from one another

JD: That’s kind of what the whole purpose of the conference is.

DG: Collaboration and Connections?

JD: And to begin that, I always like to have you meet somebody else near you.

DG: Does that mean you want to meet the mouse? Okay, his name is Chester, but watch out, he was a lab mouse and he is kinda strung out.  He also just sent in his GISP application.  Trying to slide in before he actually has to know something.

JD: And before you do that, I’ll simply say you are from 130 different countries, all over the planet, some developed, some undeveloped, some big cities, some small cities, some big organizations, some small organizations, some - well, just about every different discipline that you can imagine.

DG: Yes, GIS is really part of the global community now and with it…

JD: That’s what this whole meeting is about, reinforcing this global community of GIS professionals and what you do.

DG: Yes, the UC is a great place for Geofolks from all over the world to meet and establish relationships.

JD: As I mentioned, you’re from almost every background, and for the last three weeks, I’ve been going through materials that you’ve sent me, thousands and thousands of maps, And they are pretty impressive.

DG: I didn’t send you any maps? Are you sure you are in the right place, or do you have your interviews confused?

JD: I’ve collected just a few of them to share with you, but they’re humbling in terms of the work that you are doing on the planet.

DG: Well actually my day job is really a beltway bandit, I mean we do international work

JD: You’re working in almost every field.

DG: Well, you know you go where the billable hours are

JD: I’ll just mention a few of them - monitoring environmental change, looking at climate change, and the impact of that on just about everything else; permafrost reduction, species change, sea level rise.

DG: So I see you are a fan of the Oxford comma

JD: The other hand, some of you are managing natural resources - forests, agriculture, aquaculture, water.

DG: Actually, I really just manage a bunch of shitty restful endpoints chuck full of ass data, but back to my question…

JD: These two maps on the right I really like because they show similar kinds of activities, but one in Texas, one in South Sudan.

DG: Well, a majority of Texas is desert, so its really not…

JD: The purpose of this meeting is also for you guys to not only become friends but share best practices on what you’re doing.

DG: Not sure who you are talking about, or to whom, but….are you sure you’re in the right place

<JD Gets up and stares out the window, turns and gives me a Vulcan salute>

JD: Interesting.

At this point be began babbling incoherently and was escorted away by two red shirted interns

So I finally got around to

watching the Plenary from the UC….and I’m sure to the Kool Aiders thought it looked like this

While to those of us who aren’t, it looked more like this

Whatever, I got tired of saying it, so I just made a goddamned sign

In light with ESRI’s reskinning of tech from the late 90s and calling it new, here is an updated dancing baby

I call her, Dancing Baby Pro

GISP no longer for you and me

So the GISCI this week announced that the GISP will require an exam by next year,  have to say, I was shocked

I’m sure all those cats who haven’t updated their skills since Avenue was a thing aren’t going to be happy they’ll have to change their business cards.

Of course, the only way it will actually have any validation is if they don’t allow Grandfathering

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Umm, I think I do :)

While I was on my quest

ESRI came kicking and screaming into the world of Web 2.0 with the advent of GeoNET.  <insert sad trombone here, twice>

Or what it really is

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Thats right.

To “Keep the UC going year ‘round” they created a “Social Media” site where you can ask questions and talk to peers.  Note, as I found out the hard way this does not allow you use per diem everyday for booze, so its not really the UC. #themoreyouknow

Its like twitter,  without the dickheads making fun of you.  I wonder how long it will be until we start seeing the lovely animated gifs of old on profile pages.

Where people will start adding their GeoNET account to business cards or asking basically

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Er I mean

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Now, not to be a debbie downer on this whole GeoNET thing, I’ve decided to make this post in Drunken Geographer you’re one stop shop for animated globe gifs.

For the Climate Change Folks

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For the people who think the Earth is surrounded by fire

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For the Flat Earthers

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For those who are scared of water

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For exclusively Web GIS folks

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For fucking tie dye wearing goddamn fucking hippies 

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For those of us who need glasses

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For the Coordinators and Community Builders

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Community Building 2 Electric Buggaloo

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For Jackie D, cause its all just gold to him

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Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you

I just really hope Tom comes back, I miss him

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What happened

Hello Drunkards

In lieu of laying siege to the ESRU UC, and all the bullshit that flows out of it I decided to take a Geo-Spirit walk

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Searching for my Spatial Buddha to recapture my passion for Spatial

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See, over the past few years I’ve gotten burnt out on Decision Makers, Project Managers and App Dev’s who think GIS is just a viewer, or the data all magically comes from no where, and doesn’t need to be cleaned or streamlined for performance.  Or who question when someone says “Hey this service sucks, its affecting the applicaiton, can we fix it?”  As we all know a certain not GIS, but a fucking Software company who builds GIS software caters to these yahoos.

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So, as I wandered the beaches, and metro stations with my one true friend and companion

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And played about 100 hours of Skyrim

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I slowly returned by listening to my one true spirit guide

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Kevin Smith 

Be Indy, you know whats best, go with your gut, and don’t follow that fucking puck, know where its going to go.

Well, I know where the puck is going to be in 2020, and as such, I’m adjusting fire.  Follow the trends, and you won’t get there till years after I do.