A fake interview with Jackie D

*Note, all of Jackie D’s text has been lifted from his plenary speech*

DG: Good Morning Mr. Dangermond, I’m glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to talk to us here at Drunken Geographer


JD: Good morning, Good morning, everybody.


DG: How did you know there was a mouse in my pocket?
JD: My name is Jack Dangermond


DG: Yes, I’m sure our listeners know who you are.

JD: Pretty interesting, huh?

DG: Ummm sure lets move along….

JD: Do you like San Diego?

DG: Sure, I mean, the weather is great and the booze is fantastic

JD: Yes, it’s pretty good.

DG: And the strippers, and gay clubs are top notch.

JD: I think so.

DG: So over the past…

JD: Look, we have a lot of special people here in the audience, about 12,000 of you.

DG: Sir, its just you me, well and this mouse. Are you feeling okay?

JD: Pretty good.

DG: Okay then, lets get started, How would you describe your job at ESRI?

JD: My job is not only to welcome you but also give you a little bit of an introduction to the reason why we are here.

DG: Well, the reason I am here is your press people said it would be up for a candid interview

JD: We are going to learn together, and that means we’re going to learn from each other.

DG: I’m glad you say that Mr. Dangermond, as DG has no true animosity toward ESRI, its just you….ummm, make some really bonehead decisions so we call you out

JD: We’re going to teach each other, we’re going to pick up some ideas, make some new friends, have some fun.

DG: I hope we can be friends after this Mr. Dangermond and that we can learn from one another

JD: That’s kind of what the whole purpose of the conference is.

DG: Collaboration and Connections?

JD: And to begin that, I always like to have you meet somebody else near you.

DG: Does that mean you want to meet the mouse? Okay, his name is Chester, but watch out, he was a lab mouse and he is kinda strung out.  He also just sent in his GISP application.  Trying to slide in before he actually has to know something.

JD: And before you do that, I’ll simply say you are from 130 different countries, all over the planet, some developed, some undeveloped, some big cities, some small cities, some big organizations, some small organizations, some - well, just about every different discipline that you can imagine.

DG: Yes, GIS is really part of the global community now and with it…

JD: That’s what this whole meeting is about, reinforcing this global community of GIS professionals and what you do.

DG: Yes, the UC is a great place for Geofolks from all over the world to meet and establish relationships.

JD: As I mentioned, you’re from almost every background, and for the last three weeks, I’ve been going through materials that you’ve sent me, thousands and thousands of maps, And they are pretty impressive.

DG: I didn’t send you any maps? Are you sure you are in the right place, or do you have your interviews confused?

JD: I’ve collected just a few of them to share with you, but they’re humbling in terms of the work that you are doing on the planet.

DG: Well actually my day job is really a beltway bandit, I mean we do international work

JD: You’re working in almost every field.

DG: Well, you know you go where the billable hours are

JD: I’ll just mention a few of them - monitoring environmental change, looking at climate change, and the impact of that on just about everything else; permafrost reduction, species change, sea level rise.

DG: So I see you are a fan of the Oxford comma

JD: The other hand, some of you are managing natural resources - forests, agriculture, aquaculture, water.

DG: Actually, I really just manage a bunch of shitty restful endpoints chuck full of ass data, but back to my question…

JD: These two maps on the right I really like because they show similar kinds of activities, but one in Texas, one in South Sudan.

DG: Well, a majority of Texas is desert, so its really not…

JD: The purpose of this meeting is also for you guys to not only become friends but share best practices on what you’re doing.

DG: Not sure who you are talking about, or to whom, but….are you sure you’re in the right place

<JD Gets up and stares out the window, turns and gives me a Vulcan salute>

JD: Interesting.

At this point be began babbling incoherently and was escorted away by two red shirted interns