GeoDivorce

After leaving my daily 3 bourbon lunch I dropped by my secretary to see what correspondence I had received while out. Among the junk letters, and advertisements for divorce attorneys was a letter from my favorite company, ESRI.

"I bet its another cease and assist order" Lois, my raspy voiced secretry said.

"No, no, no, we beat that, this is a parody tumblr.  We just mock."

"Whatever.  I’ve got to take the E train back to Brooklyn before dark."

"Night Lois," I replied, walking into my office, opening the envelope. 

I’ll spare you the details, but in essence they were firing me as a business partner.

I poured myself another Canadian Club, neat, and pondered.

How would this affect my business, future contracts, current contracts?  Were we dead in the water?

In situations like this I like to commune with the Patron Saint of Drunken Geographer, Don Draper.

Pouring myself something big and brown, I spin up my copy of “Gamera Assault of the Legion” as these items bring you closer to your Draperness. 

About half way through the movie, where it appears Gamera has been killed by Legion, it finally comes to me.  The brain opens wide, and the words flow. 

I begin to compose an email to GeoPlace, paying for a full page ad with the following letter.

"Recently DrunkenGeographer Spatial’s long relationship with ESRI as a Gold Business Partner was suddenly ended, and I’m relieved.

For over 10 years we devoted ourselves to peddling a product for which good work is irrelevant, because people can’t stop themselves from using it. They dominate the market, and hook kids on the product at younger and younger ages. A product that never improves, that causes missed deadlines and makes people generally unhappy. But there was money in it. A lot of money; trips to San Diego and Palm Springs. In fact, our entire business depended on their product, and our relationship with them. We knew it wasn’t good for us, but we couldn’t  stop.

And then, when ESRI terminated our business partner status, I realized, here was my chance to be someone who could sleep at night, because I know the technologies wouldn’t cost my customers millions of dollars, stymie technological advancement and would provide equal if not better performance.  

So as of today, DrunkenGeographer  Spatial will no longer take or support ESRI centric projects. We know it’s going to be hard. If you’re interested working with ESRI products please randomly throw a rock at a crowd of Federal Contractors, or just go to the proud ESRI sycophant, GeoJobe”