A Day in the Life of the DG in an ESRI Shop

When I get off the metro, I’m normally pretty chipper, I either have a book on tape, or a SMODcast blasting in my ear and I’m ready to face the fucking day.

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Unless its raining

Regardless, I normally come in in a good mood.  Then after about 2 hours of ArcMAP things change a tad. I start to get a little daft, crashes, stupid 8 click processes, general slowness.

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I normally take a quick break for lunch, and the asian food in our cafe is on the good side

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Once lunch is over, in about 6 minutes I’m back to this

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ArcSDE crap, ARcGIS Server being slow, going down, not working right, dealing with shapefiles and biting my tongue in front of ESRI Reps, by the time 1600 rolls around I’m all like

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And this continues until I get home, and start jacking around with Q, or making R do stupid Geo Tricks. Suddenly, its like I’m in a field with a breeze, ready to face another day.

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I know you all are DYING to know my opinion about this whole

"Billion dollars worth of software" mucky muck from the Durr Star out of Redlands.

First, 

I know i used this gif before, but it didn’t have the text :).

ESRI is operating on fuzzy math here, what they are doing is giving every student access to AGOL.  

So there are roughly 66 million primary and secondary  students in the United States, which means if each and every child uses the services they get an “unlimted” AGOL account for 15 bucks.  I’m sure there will be limites and governors on geocoding and geoprocessing.  Not that they won’t be able to do it, but they’ll be limited by how much they can push across.

All this is is ESRI creating a photo op and leveraging a pre existing framework that can be easily spin up and spin down.

Sure, it will cost them some extra bucks in Amazon time, and bandwidth, but its not like they’re taking a major it.

2014.

In 2010 some company did something, who was it hmmmm,….

Oh yeah Google Fusion Tables.  Which basically has the same process as AGOL, and this is free to EVERYONE.  No fan fare, no Obama photo op, Google just did it.

And if you include temporal data, you could make your own Mapstory..D’oH Story Map (sorry Chris, I didn’t mean to step on your copyright)… in 2010

New slogan for ESRI

ESRI, now only 4 years behind Google.

Now if you excuse me, I need to figure out how to plug in a usb

Its what all the young hip kids are talking in these days

"Jive"

So, the Ringleader in Redlands is at it again.  Naming stuff, with current pop cultural references.  ESRI’s career board had a posting for this (Its just the job title.  The job description is so vague and poorly written, it might as well been DO COMMUNITY STUFFS)

Enterprise (Jive) Community Specialist

At first, I thought Jive might be some new Javascript thing, then I read the description.  Here is a blurb, I don’t want to torment you

Play a major role in introducing and growing this online network across Esri, built to support internal communities of practice and innovation.

I know large companies need social media managers, and collaboration specialists so they aren’t stepping all over each other.  Thats not my issue.

My issue is they’re calling it Jive.  Considering the amount of creativity that goes into external marketing campaigns, I can’t imagine what the internal ones are like.  And naming it Jive?  Did you pop culture references stop with Welcome Back Kotter, and Freddy “Boom-Boom” Washington?  

I couldn’t find an animated gif from Airplane, so here is a static one.

 So we can assume that ESRI is looking for June Cleaver.  In order to keep this entertaining, I plugged Jive Community into my favoite animated gif search engine, and I’ll share the top 3

That should have been obvious

Again Obvious

I have to admit Jesse from the prequel to Showgirls was something I was not expecting.

Here is the point.  The ESRI marketing department is as creative as a 7th grade Gym Coach.  ”Well, Jive means talking so, okay.”    Actually, it doesn’t.  Straight from the Fridge Dad (the last dictionary you’ll ever need) defines Jive

Jive - A versatile word which can be used as a noun, verb or adjective. Noun – an odd form of speech. Verb – to fool someone. Adjective – phoney or fake.
Old Satchmo can lay down some crazy «jive.» Don’t «jive»me man, I wasn’t born yesterday. That cat is one «jive» 
Actually I stand corrected.  Jive is PERFECT.

So

ArcGIS Pro Prebeta Alpha Gamma World Zed was released this week.   Its an ESRI product, so we all know there is more hyperbole in the advertisements and demos than “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”

So, I start seeing 3D examples of “Web Scenes” I decide to take a gander

Looks like what Skyline was doing back in 05, and I could do a whole bunch more with OpenGL.

So as usually ESRI’s hype was.  

 The Web scene “viewer” takes forever to download, and the data takes another fucking forever.  So, compared to OpenGL, “Web Scenes” are a fucking

Here at Drunken Geographer

We attack when needed and we praise when something good comes out of the Death Star out in Redlands.

ESRI finally got its Shit together on something

Behold the Southeast Users Conference (SUC)

http://www.esri.com/events/southeast

I bet their next product will be the Spatial Computation and Analysis Tool (SCAT)

Good job on naming stuff ESRI.

What I feel like...

when I walk into a situation, solve the problem in 2 minutes and walk the fuck out.

Of course, the answer was “DUMP MOTHERFUCKING SDE”

FUCK YOU DRUNKEN HOYAS

DG (Note Digital Globe is DiGo) is going to start showing love for its readers.  Stay tuned for details for swag give aways, and a series of Paintings of Pantless Drunken Geographers, starting with TN’s own @rjhale